Missing in action

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I know that I have been missing in action. Ignoring this blog and you blatenly. Who would of thought that as much as I love to journal, that this would be hard and put off so much. I truly love to write and it really does help me sort things out. Putting thoughts in writing just make them so much clearer for me. When I started this project, I had such great hopes and ideas. I was so excited with the thought of a completely new journey for me. A entirely different new opportunity for growth, all shiney and bright, trying to understand where I am in this world. I know that this is supposed to be about organizing, clearing clutter, etc., and it is. But it also a learning process for me. And, thankfully, I am beginning to learn a few things about myself, the clutter and the organizing.



It is amazing how everything is connected. EVERYTHING! When I attack a single project, other issues rear their ugly heads. So, while I am cleaning my physical house, my mental house seems to be adjusting and sorting also. I strange things when I am clearing and organizing. Misplaced items, lost items and replaced items. Items that I don't even remembering owning. Each of these bring about thoughts and concerns about how things got so out of control. You would think with all my control issues, how could I be so out of control??? (Not that I am admitting to control issues.) I don't understand thinking that I am so much in control in my head with the voices, when it is so apparent to the outside world that I'm not. How does that work? See, I told you that I'm learning a few things already in this process.
One of the first things I have discovered about myself is that even though I want so badly to be left alone, time by myself, upon receiving it, I don't really want it. (Hmmm.) Or maybe want it under different circumstances. For instance, I had to go out of town for some business, and it turned out that I ended up going alone. Usually my husband or mother come with me. I was so excited to actually have a couple of days away and "all by myself". The plan (there's that word again) (see earlier posts) was to get business done, then just be alone - do what "I" want - do nothing. Lounge around the hotel room (my favorite place), read magazines, watch TV. Anything I wanted. Period!
Off I went on my escape. I checked into the hotel. Check. Brought new magazines. Check. New book. Check. Comfy pajamas. Check. Big comfy bed. Check.
All was good. It was exciting. So I thought.
I got business done, headed back to the hotel, went to my room, settled in then decided that Would go to the restaurant and have a nice quiet dinner and a fancy drink, sit back and enjoy. Right. This is nice, I said to myself. Peaceful, quiet, alone. And it was nice. After dinner, I went back to the room, got into my pajamas, carefully spread my book and magazines out. Sprayed the big comfy bed with linen spray that was so delightful, fluffed the pillows, all six of them. Wash my face, brushed my teeth and climbed into the bed. Good, right?? TV on, magazines open, linen spray, glass of water. Ahhhh. Sleep.



The next day was pretty much the same, business, dinner, settle in the bed with magazines and book. TV on. Then the strangest thing happened. I actually got a little lonesome. I know, how incredible is that?? After all, I am a grown up. It's not that I wasn't enjoying time alone. What I discovered was that I really "liked" my home. With all of it's problems, noises, distractions and confusion, I really liked, no loved, my home. The lesson I learned - "The grass isn't always greener on the other side." and that "There is no place like home." Pretty simple, isn't it. What a new concept. Now, on to the task.



During this past month, I haven't been slacking. One of the things I have cleared, was my dresser drawers. Again. This time being brave enough to part with all that I could not, would not wear and that which I saved hoping that someday I could wear. (Don't laugh, we all have those things in our possessions.) I was surprisingly strong, heaving out all. All but an old, old, very old gray french terry sweatshirt that embarrasses my entire family and that I have been forbid to wear out. Not that I would. I know if I left it unguarded for a moment, they would gladly and happily toss it out with yesterday's trash. I also found the eye glasses pictured above. Circa 1980's. What a flashback. I can't believe that they were in style once. I gave them to the Elk's eye bank. Hopefully someone will benefit from them.



I returned my daughter's desk that had been stored in our hallway for a year or so. During that year it gathered a plethora of stuff. It is amazing how much a small desk will hold in it's drawers and on it's top. But now it's gone and the hall is cleared. Since I was in the desk mode, I tackled my office (corner kitchen) desk. I found a newspaper that was misplace in December. Evidence of past endeavors, such as, business cards, product information, and a couple of past years calendars that I was saving for some reason now forgotten. Both desks had to be sorted, kept or tossed and organized. I was surprised how much crap that a space so small could hold.
From those desks, I went to other places on my list. I loaded up the trunk of my car with shoes, clothes, sofa pillows, assorted dog collars and leashes, a book or ten, and other odds and ends. I cleaned, painted and replanted flowers boxes on my mom's deck, weed my flower beds, dug out my plant pots from hiding, cleaned them up, and even bought some bedding plants for them. I went out of town on business, twice, worked at my real job, worked at my other job, reorganized my bill paying system and planned and executed a surprise seventy-fifth birthday party for my mom. Whew!!!! I have been busy, no wonder that I am tired.






In my spare time, I have been reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. It is an interesting look at basic instincts and trying to change them. Thinking before reacting. I am so enjoying it and seriously thinking about starting my own happiness project. It should go well with the purpose of this blog. It all makes sense in a weird sort of way. It comes down to you can't change everybody or anybody else, so you have to change yourself and your expectations of everyone else. It's about being more positive. I am not the normally cheery, perky kind of girl. Those of you who know me, know me to be more the sarcastic, darker type. Being on the dark side, makes attempting positive, and thinking positive definitely harder and not natural. I like to think that my sarcastic nature is enduring. (????) Those dark, evil, unkind thoughts slip in more often than naught. To retrain all of my voices, each with their own personality, to think positive is not an easy task. But I am trying. I am asking the universe, higher power, whatever you call it, for more positive thoughts, more organized rooms, closets and drawers. I am really trying to be more focused, more dedicated to my task. I know that when I stray from this, that it could be days or weeks (even months) before I return to the original course. It seems to be the way I work. On task, then way-layed off on a completely different path. It's that multitude of voices again. Damn!! With all of their bright and interesting ideas, all wanting to be at the head of the class. They are, I think, a very bad influence.



With all of the positive thinking stuff and the rededication of my focused efforts, I have discovered some other things:
1. I can be focused enough to finish a job to the end.
2. I realized that I can't do it all, all at once or all the time.
3. That taking time to do something nice, just for me, doesn't make the world come to an end. ( I know, amazing.)
4. And that keeping in touch or getting back in touch with friends, family and loved ones is very important to happiness. (Get ready, here I come!)

And finally, I discovered to truly listen to myself, my heart and my gut. And that some of the voices in my head are actually looking out for my best interest.
Renewed, re-energized, refocused and rededicated, I will go on now with my task - quieting the voices and clearing the crap, one piece at a time.
Until then.